My new story! Chapter one

ACK! I haven't been on here in forever! lol well anyway this is a new story I'm writing....i'm not going to explain the plot because its kinda complicated....heheheheh.....it's mostly action with a tiny bit of sci-fi and romance <3

Chapter One
“I think I can see someone.” A thirteen-year-old boy with flaming red hair and verdant green eyes peered through a telescope. “A girl. Dirty blonde hair....gray eyes. She’s.....my age.”

“Where is she?” An old man with a long gray beard wearing majestic blue robes and a wizard’s cap stood up. He pointed a wand at the telescope.

“A.....a place called ‘Earth’.” The boy said.

“Ah, Earth. I remember it well.” The old man said.

“Where is ‘Earth’?” The boy asked.

“A very long way from here.” The old man said. “It is a place with no magic. There are very strange creatures there, and yet creatures that are very similar to ours. But humans dominate, as they do here.”

“Too bad only evil humans dominate here.” The boy said. “Was this country really once a paradise? To be replaced with suffering and slavery, animals and humans alike?”

“Remember, Richard.” The old man said. “I have lived much longer than you have. Believe me, that girl has aura and power if this telescope is able to detect her. She is our only hope.”

“Althar, can you bring her here?” Richard asked.

“.......I really don’t know........” Althar said. “I am a strong wizard, yet it will be very difficult for both me and the girl to bring her here. To reach my powers across such a long distance......it is almost impossible.”

“We have to try.” Richard said. “If she is our only hope, we must!”

“I appreciate your determination.” Althar said. “I shall try tomorrow morning. I will need lots of rest if I will be able to bring her here.” Althar hobbled out of the room. Richard watched him go, then peered into the telescope again.

“Earth. Such a peculiar name.” Richard said.

“Richard! I have your ham and......oh. Has Althar found something?” A short, plump woman strolled into the room, holding a plate of ham and cheese.

“Yes. A girl. My age. From a place called Earth.” Richard said, still looking through the telescope.

“Is she a pretty girl?” The woman asked jokingly.

“Now isn’t the time for jests.” Richard said, running his fingers through his hair. He pulled away from the telescope and started eating his ham. “Come to think of it, there never really was time for jests. I don’t even know what it means to have fun.”

“Nobody except those as old as Althar knows.” The woman said.

“Tell me the truth, Aunt Goody.” Richard said. “Do you think we will ever know?”

“I’m sure we will someday.” Aunt Goody said, patting Richard’s back. “Now eat up your ham, and after that go to sleep. You need rest.”

“Okay.” Richard said, nodding. He was too tired to argue.

“Good boy.” Aunt Goody said and kissed the top of his head. “See you tomorrow.” She walked out of the room and closed the door behind her. He felt something nudge his hand. It was Moonbeam, a baby Pegasus that had taken a liking to him, and one of the creatures he had rescued from the evil castle where he had been born, ruled by the evil tyrant Ignatius Barthomew. Richard smiled and pet Moonbeam. She whinnied happily. Richard fed her some of his cheese.

“We’re in this together.” Richard said. “Someday we’ll stop him.”

*glomp* yay! It's so good to have you back!
I really liked this! One thing, can you possibly describe a little bit about the room where Richard and Althar are? It's really hard to picture their surroundings.

In the last paragraph, maybe you should reword the bit about Moonbeam. As it is, that section is a little wordy... maybe something like:
It was Moonbeam, a baby Pegasus that had taken a liking to him. She was one of the creatures he had rescued from the castle where he had been born. It was now the ruling-seat of the evil tyrant Ignatius Barthomew ...would sound better. You're doing really well with your descriptions and showing action!

I haven't read chapters 2-4 yet, but I need to remind you to PLEASE post new chapters in seperate threads! Doing so just makes it so much less confusing when people comment on your work, so you don't have to worry about which chapter they were talking about and helps the whole thread stay clean-looking.

Please repost the new chapters in new threads asap so I can edit this one... thank you! (Now I will go read the new chapters, which I've been wanting to read!!!!)

~Moshda