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my new story chapter one

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my new story chapter one Empty my new story chapter one

Post by ashketchumlovergirl Sat Jun 12, 2010 7:58 pm

R&R please!!

Chapter One
“Carly, I feel the same way about those jerks polluting the ocean.....but shouldn’t we just call 9-1-1?” A brown-haired boy looked nervously over the side of a small motorboat down into the ocean.

“No! We have to stop them, Adrian!” The red-haired girl controlling the boat shouted, making a sharp left to follow the casino boat into the dark ocean.

“But isn’t this....dangerous?” Adrian gulped, looking back at the slowly fading coastline. If Carly hadn’t been his best friend and secret crush since kindergarten, he would never have agreed to this crazy plan.

“Sure, but I’ve done a bunch of things that are dangerous. This isn’t that much out of my league.” Carly smirked, speeding up the motorboat.

I know you’ve done plenty of things dangerous. You’ve dragged me into the middle of all of them, Adrian thought, holding onto the sides of the boat tightly so that he wouldn’t fall into the ocean as Carly turned a sharp right.

“Adrian! Look right there!” Carly shouted, pointing to a small swirl of water that was slowly starting to grow bigger. “What’s that?!”

“Wha.....a whirlpool?” Adrian squinted at it.

“Crud!” Carly took a sharp left to turn away from it, but the boat was slowly getting pulled towards the center of the whirlpool.

“Carly!! Go faster!!!” Adrian shouted.

“It’s going as fast as it’ll go!!” Carly shouted, pressing down harder on the pedal. The boat started rocking violently back and forth, until it finally tossed Adrian and Carly into the freezing ocean. Adrian tried to tread water to keep his head over the water, and he saw that Carly was struggling to do the same.

“Carly!!” Adrian shouted. A wave of water splashed into his open mouth, and he gagged at the salt water.

“Adrian!!” Carly shouted and began to swim towards him. She grabbed his hand.

“Whatever happens, don’t let go!!!” She shouted as the whirlpool slowly began pulling them in towards the center.

“AHHHHHH!!!” Adrian screamed as the whirlpool sucked them down below the surface. They went down, down, down, down, until he caught a glimpse of.....a merman?

Mermen don’t exist....he thought before he blacked out.
ashketchumlovergirl
ashketchumlovergirl
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Female Location : In your head!
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my new story chapter one Empty Re: my new story chapter one

Post by Moshda Tue Jun 15, 2010 11:30 am

AAAARGH! so exciting! I can't bear to watch.... but I can't look away Wink

Very exciting first chapter, if not a little short. Your descriptions are pretty good, but why were Carly and Adrian chasing after a casino boat? When you start a thought, don't forget to finish it!
Moshda
Moshda
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Female Location : USA
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