story idea

heres the first writing ive posted on cld. just an idea i had, please comment. :3
---

I stepped onto the balcony which overlooks my kingdom and gazed at the distant mountains, and further yet the stars. How I longed to venture beyond my constraints of the planet, to discover something new, something foreign.
"King Azell, come quick!"
I turned around to see Jerard ,the castle's messenger, standing in the doorway.
"What is it Jerard?" I asked him.
"The Velicans have been spotted approaching the east gate!" he yelled, gasping for breath after having run through the castle.
"I see," I responded solemnly, "gather the infantry. We mustn't let them reach the castle."
"Yes sir," he said, and ran off.
I jogged to the east wing of the castle, recruiting men as I went.
This can't be good, I thought to myself as I looked out an eastern window. The sight that met my eyes was intimidating at least. A massive Velican army was raging toward the gate, armed with swords, bows, spears, and catapults.
"Captain Rayne," I said, "they must not reach us. Meet them head on."
As I said this a blast from a catapult shattered the wall, scattering debris, and the world turned black as I lost consciousness.
---

Yay! You finally posted something!!!

Oh, I really liked this!!!! And you used my favorite ploy to keep people interested: make the main character pass out during something exciting! ...at least, I think he blacked out, maybe he just died. 0.0 I guess you'll have to post more so I can find out because this is very suspenseful!!!!! ><

One thing, you never put armor on... unless you go around wearing it all the time (highly unlikely).
Just sayin'.

But very good. I can't wait to see where this goes!!!!!

I LOVE IT!

Oo, that's good! Can't wait for more!

So cool! I'm on the edge of my seat already! WRITE MORE.

I like this! I think you should write more! It sounds like it could be a really suspenseful story!