Song for my Creative Writing class

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Song for my Creative Writing class

Post by Zach S on Fri Jan 28, 2011 10:04 am

Zachary S.
B2
1/28/11
Song
Not one more Moment

Trying to forget all those times
When we were lost and out of our minds
Trying to feel and move on
This is definitely not where I belong

Not one more moment
I know I can’t do this anymore
Not one more moment
I can’t fight in this stupid war
Not one more moment
It’s just to big of a chore

I can’t think and losing control
All this pain is taking its toll
I think it’s time to drop this act
Just walk away and never look back

Not one more moment
I can’t us being this way
Not one more moment
I’ve got nothing left to say
Not one more moment
I just hope that you’ll be okay

So here we’re gonna make a stand
Walking through this hand in hand
I stare deeply into your eyes
Hoping to find truth among your lies

Not one more moment
I never stopped loving you
Not one more moment
I don’t want us to be through
Not one more moment
Why I cant I just have a redo
Not one more moment
But I hope you knew
I will always love you


Last edited by Moshda on Mon Feb 07, 2011 11:44 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Removed personal information.)
Zach S
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Re: Song for my Creative Writing class

Post by Moshda on Mon Feb 07, 2011 12:04 pm

This is really good! I like how you're using a rhyming pattern to keep a steady rhythm, but it is relatively unobtrusive, and doesn't detract from the overall feel of the piece. (I mean, this is not a case of "too much of a good thing".)

There's just a couple of things I noticed:
It’s just to big of a chore
Should actually be "It's just too big of a chore".

I can’t think and losing control
I think you should add "I'm" so it looks like this:
"I can't think and I'm losing control"
It makes the flow a lot smoother and it seems a little less choppy to me.

Why I cant I just have a redo
"Why can't [we] just have a redo"
I think you should change the "I" to "we" because a few lines before, you say "I don't want us to be through" so I think you should continue that idea of "us".

But I hope you knew
I will always love you
I think you should change "knew" to "know". Firstly, because the whole stanza has been in present tense, and because the last line is in present tense too. I think it might be better to forsake the rhyme here - it won't be very noticeable.

Now, I would like to point out the things that really tickled my fancy:
First of all, I want to say that I really liked that while you repeated the "Not one more moment" line in each of the three 'choruses', the chorus wasn't the same with each repetition. To me, that shows that you actually put a lot of thought into this. I think a lot of lyricists repeat the same chorus over and over to save themselves some work.

Now, I'd like to point out some lines that I really liked:
Trying to forget all those times
When we were lost and out of our minds

I think it’s time to drop this act
Just walk away and never look back

I stare deeply into your eyes
Hoping to find truth among your lies

I can tell you've put a lot of feeling into writing this, and it's really an awesome piece... I'd like to hear it on the radio someday! Very Happy

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MOSHDA: obsessive hugger since 2003
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Re: Song for my Creative Writing class

Post by Zach S on Fri Feb 18, 2011 7:37 pm

Thank you sooo much moshda, i edited the changes and got a 100 on it=]
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Re: Song for my Creative Writing class

Post by Moshda on Sat Feb 19, 2011 7:40 pm

Whoohoo! Congrats on the *awesome* grade! Cool

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MOSHDA: obsessive hugger since 2003
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