As the Sun Sets (very rough, old, draft)

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As the Sun Sets (very rough, old, draft)

Post by Moshda on Mon Nov 30, 2009 1:32 pm

Hey everybody! I thought I'd get off my butt and post something Wink This is something that I jotted down a year or so ago and then left it under my bed to collect dust.... until a few days ago when I started itching to keep going with it. Unfortunately, this is all that I've got typed up right now, and I lost the rest of the notes I had on it, but I remember what happens next so I'll get back to work! Please keep in mind that I wrote this a long time and that this is by no means my best stuff. I'd appreciate any feedback you can give, though! Thanks!
PS: I feel like the beginning is pretty weak and I don't like it very much... what are your honest opinions of it?

~ Prologue ~


The tall, slender teenaged girl meandered aimlessly along a deserted street in a small town. As she passed a small gazebo in a tiny lawn at the center of the town, she pulled an orange from the kangaroo pocket at the front of her sky-blue sweatshirt. The trees around her, ablaze with autumn colors, were relinquishing their bright leaves to the winds whipping their branches. The leaves fluttered through the air and swirled around the girl, making her seem surreal. The breeze pulled at her shoulder-length black hair as she walked, clearly relishing in the quiet of the afternoon. As she reached the street-corner, a clear voice called out behind her. She halted at the corner, looking over her shoulder to see the speaker. It was a tall, muscular boy about the same age as the girl. He jogged down the street, the wind ruffling his dark, wavy hair.
“Keiri!” He called again, “Keiri, wait up!”
The girl called Keiri stood waiting near the stop sign, tossing the orange back and forth between her hands.
“Hi, Keiri!” the boy grinned when he was about two yards away from Keiri. She smiled in return.
“Hi, Charlie,” she said in her soft, friendly voice with its undertone of perpetual laughter. Charlie scowled.
“I told you not to call me Charlie anymore!” he said, crossing his muscular arms over the six-pack Keiri knew was hiding under his black sweatshirt. Keiri smirked and rolled her deep blue eyes.
“I’ve called you ‘Charlie’ since we met on my fifth birthday, the day you moved here! Old habits are hard to break-- especially after ten years of constant use!” she giggled.
“But ‘Charlie’ sounds so preschool-ish!” Charlie pouted. Keiri rolled her eyes again.
“ ‘Charlie’ is just as manly as ‘Charles’ if you ask me! I’m not going to change what I call you just because we’re fifteen now.”
Keiri started walking again, suppressing another giggle. Charlie jogged to catch up again.
“Hey, Keiri!” he called after her. She paused outside the country store, tossing her orange again.
They continued walking in silence for a few minutes. Suddenly, Keiri heaved a sigh and said,
“Everything’s changing… I mean, the elementary school was torn down, we’re in High School, you’re going out with Cora, and all the people who were friends in middle school are mortal enemies now. What if we change too?”
Charlie put an arm around her shoulders. “Keiri, you’re the only thing in this little town that hasn’t changed.”
“I know but,” Keiri shook her head, “Jenny and Christine used to be practically one person, and when Jenny broke up with Markus, he hooked up with Christine, and they became mortal enemies!”
“Pathetic, huh?” Charlie snorted.
“Oh, but what if we fall apart, too?” Keiri wailed. “I mean, I like Cora well enough, but I worry. You’re my only best friend…”
“Even I can’t trick myself into thinking I’m your best friend, Keiri. You could never have a best friend.”
“Charlie!” Keiri squealed, her eyes widening. Charlie started backpedaling and stuttered,
“That came out wrong! I just meant that you’re a friendly person, versus a friend person.” He sighed.
“You’re always friendly to everybody, and so everyone likes you. It’s just not possible for you to have less than a dozen friends. I see that you’re not close to anybody-- not even me!”
“But we are best friends, right?” Keiri pleaded. Charlie shook his dark hair out of his brown eyes.
“No, I just know you better than most people. That’s the great thing about you; you’re friends with everyone, so you never exclude anybody.”
“It doesn’t always seem so great…” Keiri muttered taking a small camp knife from the back pocket of her jeans and flicking it open. Charlie withdrew his arm and jumped away.
“Whoa! Take it easy, there!” he gasped. Keiri shrugged.
“Take a chill-pill! I’m just going to peel my orange,” she giggled, driving the point of the knife into the top of her orange and stripping off a chunk of peel.
“Want a piece?” she held out a wedge of fruit to her friend. Charlie took the orange, thanking her.

As Keiri swallowed the last piece, the two friends found themselves at the park.
“This is where we first met, remember?” Charlie reminisced, pulling Keiri over to the swings.
“Yeah,” Keiri laughed, “Your mom asked my dad for directions to the house you were moving into.”
“Good times, good times…” Charlie grinned down at her.
“Friends forever, promise?” Keiri asked, sidling closer.
“Forever!” Charlie promised, hugging her.
“Let’s go home,” Keiri suggested, looking up as raindrops began to fall.
“Good idea,” Charlie agreed, and together they walked down the street, hand in hand…

~ Chapter one ~
4 years later…


“Charlie, I’m thinking about enrolling to your school,” Keiri said when Charlie paused for a breath. Silence. Keiri quickly checked her cell phone to make sure the call hadn’t been disconnected.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Keiri,” was Charlie’s eventual reply.
“Why not? I can’t afford to go to that local college, and mom and dad really can’t lend me money. I know I can pass the evaluation to get the scholarship!”
“You’re not a city-girl, you’d never last a day out here!” Charlie protested. Keiri growled in frustration.
“I want to see the world, but I’m not ready to go too far from home. New York City would be the perfect chance. Why don’t you want me to enroll?”
“I’m worried, that’s all. You’re petite, good-looking, and seem pretty innocent. You’ll be an easy target. Do you know how many people get mugged every day in New York City?”
“Then how come you’re okay being there?” Keiri countered.
“Face it, Keiri, I’m six foot, four inches. I’m no quarterback, but I’ve got guns.” Charlie pointed out.
“I thought you didn’t know how to shoot.”
“I don’t.”
“Oh!” Keiri giggled. “You mean guns, as in the muscles in your arms!” she laughed again. “That’s why I’ll just stick with you. If I enroll now, we can be in the same freshman class.”
“You just don’t get it.” Charlie sighed. “I’m worried about you.”
“Well, don’t worry. I can take care of myself, okay?”
“Keiri--” Charlie stopped and she heard him sneeze. “Keiri, be careful. The city is really different from the rural places we’re used to.”
“I’ll be fine.”

Two weeks later…
Charles opened his front door to find Keiri standing on his apartment’s front step. His eyes widened at the sight of her. She had cut her long black hair and it now hung between her chin and her shoulder. She still didn’t’ have bangs; the hair from the front of her face was pulled to the back of her head with a pretty barrette. What she wore surprised him even more than the short haircut. She wore a pastel pink tank top which came down to meet a faded, blue denim knee-length skirt, under which she wore black leggings. A pair of black ballet flats completed the outfit.
“Hi!” she exclaimed, smiling broadly.
“W-what are you doing here?” Charlie finally gasped.
“I got in! I passed the test and earned a scholarship!” Keiri beamed proudly.
“Keiri, I though I told you not to--”
“I just have to hang around with you so you can protect me with those guns you told me about,” Keiri giggled, punching him on the shoulder.
“Ouch! Keiri, I’m serious,” Charlie frowned, rubbing his shoulder where she’d punched him.
“Oh, I know that. But then, so am I.”
Charles put his hands on her shoulders and looked into her deep grey eyes.
“I’m just trying to protect you.”
She shrugged off his hands, then hugged him tight.
“At least give your best friend a proper ‘hello’, Charlie!” she smiled.
“You changed during the year since I saw you last,” Charles said softly. “I think it suits you, but the difference just surprised me for a moment, that’s all.”
“Do you like my new style?” Keiri asked pulling away and striking pose so he could get a good look.
“It looks good, but definitely different from the extreme modesty I’m used to.”
“Yeah,” Keiri scratched her head, blushing. “I thought I’d try something new.”
“Just be careful wearing stuff like that in this town. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I’ve got my own guns from doing gymnastics, you know! Plus, I know the Marines’ self-defense.” Keiri flexed one arm threateningly, and her muscles bulged. Charles held up his hands.
“Careful there! Don’t hurt yourself!” he laughed. Keiri opened her mouth to retort when a feminine voice called “Charlie,” from inside the apartment. Keiri’s eyes bugged then narrowed dangerously as she stared at Charlie.
“ ‘Charlie’,” she mimicked, “That’s what I call you!” She jabbed a finger into his muscled chest. “So that’s why you didn’t want me around! You’ve got a girlfriend and you didn’t tell me!” she teased.
“No!” he protested, grabbing her hand. Keiri tried to shake him off, but he gripped her fingers tighter.
“Some, er, friends from school invited themselves over. Come on in and meet them.”
“Fine,” Keiri huffed.
“But, they’re not really my type,” Charlie added in a whisper in her ear as they went inside.

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MOSHDA: obsessive hugger since 2003
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Re: As the Sun Sets (very rough, old, draft)

Post by Hucota7 on Mon Nov 30, 2009 6:33 pm

remind me to read this when i have some time! lol. Razz
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Re: As the Sun Sets (very rough, old, draft)

Post by Moshda on Mon Nov 30, 2009 9:34 pm

Gee thanks, you're quite the pal! >< lol jk! yeah, sure I can remind you Rolling Eyes

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Re: As the Sun Sets (very rough, old, draft)

Post by Hucota7 on Tue Dec 01, 2009 10:51 am

lol sorry mosh, havent had any time to read stuff.
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Re: As the Sun Sets (very rough, old, draft)

Post by Moshda on Tue Dec 01, 2009 11:00 am

You get too hyped up about stuff! I really don't mind, just read it when you get the chance. Right now, it's pretty crappy compared to my other stuff so I have to do a major overhaul on it... however, I rewrote some of the notes I lost (from memory) and now I can finally make the story go somewhere! :3 I have a lot in mind for the upcoming chapter-- should be exciting!!!

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Re: As the Sun Sets (very rough, old, draft)

Post by Delilah Roze on Thu Apr 22, 2010 12:37 pm

Good beginning! I thought it was nicely done!

One thing though...

...Keiri smirked and rolled her deep blue eyes...

...as opposed to...

Charles put his hands on her shoulders and looked into her deep grey eyes...

Just thought I'd point it out. Smile

Keep up the good work!
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Re: As the Sun Sets (very rough, old, draft)

Post by Moshda on Thu Apr 22, 2010 7:14 pm

*embarrassed laugh* yeah.... about that... thanks for pointing it out! xD
I'll fix it... I think I was still working out in my mind what the characters looked like and I couldn't decide whether Keiri should have blue or grey eyes. I think-- I've finally decided on grey! (for now lol)

*huggles Delilah* it's good to see you back after so long on hiatus hehe

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Re: As the Sun Sets (very rough, old, draft)

Post by G0dn0te on Wed Jan 12, 2011 11:07 am

Really great beginning, I love how you flashed between the past, and the present time. It gives you an insight into how the characters see each other, how they expect each other to act, speak, etc. This technique also gives a small, brief background so you are not just jumping head first into the story, unsure of the status between Character A, and Character B.

Do you write Character descriptions? If not, that could be a good idea to remember what your characters look like, their general appearance, maybe even a short history.

Of course, this will probably change considering the different ranks between Main Character, and 'Side Character.'

I look forward to seeing more. Very Happy
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Re: As the Sun Sets (very rough, old, draft)

Post by Moshda on Mon Feb 07, 2011 11:38 am

Yes, I write character descriptions... unfortunately, when I started writing this story, it was on napkins at restaurants and little scraps of paper I found in the car, and I seem to have misplaced most of those notes... I suspect my cat is the culprit. (He likes to eat/chew up papers that he finds lying around, and my room is a mess!)

I know I posted a while ago that I'd rewritten my notes but I can't remember where I put them! I remember I practically wrote out Keiri and Charlie's life histories, too! Mad

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