Jewels (Novel)

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Jewels (Novel)

Post by bgjings on Mon Jan 31, 2011 1:26 pm

Hi all! I came up with an idea for this story last night and I just finish the introduction! Yay!


Note: At the beginning of some chapters (Intro, etc....) there is a couple lines from a poem. The poem is Jewels By Sara Teasdale.




Introduction (Onyx)
If I should see your eyes again,
I know how far their look would go --


Black is not my favorite color, and the fact that I have to wear it today does not make saying goodbye to a very good friend any easier. Today is the funeral. The funeral for some one I will never forget, and I know that sounds corny but it's true. That was what was going through my head as the funeral procession drove through the cemetery. I stared at the hearse in front of the procession. I wanted to be in that hearse. Sitting with the family of the girl I was, and still am, madly in love with. Sadly though, I was back here, with my family in a separate car.

When we pulled into the plot where she was to be buried every one got out of the cars in back and in front of us. The luke warm May sun drifted down from the sky on to my black clad shoulders. I wandered with the rest of the people to the seats that were set up by the hole in the ground where the dead were to be laid to rest. The smell of fresh dirt and flowers floated like a mist through the air. As we all sat down on the cool metal seats set out for us, some men unloaded the beautifully painted coffin from the hearse. The coffin was decorated with mountain scenes, and rivers rushing silently over rocks, flowers reaching up towards the sun, and a faded grey park bench that every one would always remember her by. I could see her now sitting there reading, some people said if she sat there long enough she would melt into the bench itself.

Soon a man started the passing speech. He spoke about what a life she had lived and how she will always be remembered and loved. Then they lowered the coffin into the ground and covered it up. Then the event that had haunted my brain for days was over, my way of saying good bye was over, and I felt as if I had missed it all including saying good bye. Not only that, but the craziest, worst, best, and most emotional year of my life was at an end.



Enjoy!
bgjings


Last edited by bgjings on Mon Feb 07, 2011 6:41 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : A post by Moshda suggesting a few edits. Thanks Mosda!)
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Re: Jewels (Novel)

Post by B.D.__Wether on Sun Feb 06, 2011 4:59 pm

Aw so sad Smile I love the emotion in this... it's so painful and beautiful. Are you putting more up?
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Re: Jewels (Novel)

Post by bgjings on Sun Feb 06, 2011 6:33 pm

Yes I do intend to put more up Very Happy . I will probably put some up early this week Very Happy.
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Re: Jewels (Novel)

Post by Moshda on Mon Feb 07, 2011 5:18 pm

You have some excellent descriptions here and it's filled with emotion.

Here's just a couple suggestions:
...the fact that I have to wear it today does not make my job any easier.
What is his job? You never actually say. If you are doing this purposefully to add suspense, that's okay. If not, replacing "job" with another word might be a good idea.

a faded Grey park bench
"Gray" should be "gray" -spelled with an a and it doesn't need to be capitalized. Wink

I wanted to be in that hearse, sitting with the family of the girl I was, and still am, madly in love with, but I was back here, with my family in a separate car.
Watch out for run-on sentences. This is borderline, but I think it flows better if you make it into 2 sentences:
"I wanted to be in that hearse, sitting with the family of the girl I was - and still am - madly in love with. But, I was back here with my family in a separate car."

Dashes (-) are used to interject an idea inside another one. There are really no set rules for using them, so you can use them wherever you feel they are necessary... as long as you don't use them in every sentence. I like to use them instead of commas sometimes to break up the monotony.

Soon a man started the passing speech. About what a life she had lived and how she will always be remembered and loved.
I would say...
"Soon a man started the passing speech. He spoke about what a life she had lived and how she will always be remembered and loved."
Otherwise, the second sentence is a fragment.

I really like how you ended the intro:
...the craziest, worst, best, and most emotional year of my life was at an end.
It's a bit of a cliff-hanger and it leads up to the first chapter!

__________________________________________


MOSHDA: obsessive hugger since 2003
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Re: Jewels (Novel)

Post by bgjings on Mon Feb 07, 2011 6:22 pm

Thanks for that Moshda Very Happy ! Some of those things I was wondering about myself!


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