Intro to new Book, Darkovia Chronicles

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Intro to new Book, Darkovia Chronicles

Post by Zach S on Wed Oct 06, 2010 10:52 am

Darkovia Chronicles

By Zachary Sipple

I sat there at the edge of the window looking outside. I saw tons of high school kids enjoying themselves. I sighed wishing to have a normal life. My name is Zach and I am far from the average kid, though I look like it. I’m 16 and about 6’3. My hair is a military cut and is brown. I had glasses and was probably one of the least known kids here. I looked behind me and saw the only people in the world I could trust my life with. Nichole was 15 and about 5’7. She had brown strait hair that went down to her shoulders. She was popular but she didn’t care.
Vanessa & Cotey was also there. Cotey was 17 and around 5’8. He shaved his head almost bald all the time and it was blonde. He was all about being a Marine, at least until he realized his ability. Vanessa was 16 and maybe 5’5. She had long brown hair that went to the low of her back. She was all about Track and Field sports.
Not one of us was average, even though we acted like it. We were all predestined for the most abnormal life. Why us, that’s what we always wondered. Why did we get picked for this? Why do we get stuck with these powers? Why couldn’t they pick someone else? Why? I know that answer. It’s because our lives so far have increased our endurance and stubbornness. None of us are willing to quit or die. None of us are willing to do the least possible to complete something. No one else could handle our job. Why, you ask, because we’re the elites. The only ones who can save this planet is us.
Go ahead and ask your next question, how are we gonna save it? By stopping evil, Who are we? We are the GUARDIANS OF DARKOVIA!


Last edited by Zach S on Thu Nov 25, 2010 10:51 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Intro to new Book, Darkovia Chronicles

Post by Moshda on Thu Oct 07, 2010 5:24 pm

Really, really watch your tenses. You switch back and forth between past and present tense a lot, and it's a tad confusing. This seems to be something that's consistent for you. You really need to decide on a tense and stick to it. At the beginning of a post you could say, "Ok, I want this in past/present tense, help me out" and we'll point out all the places where you deviate. I think that would be extremely helpful for you.

I'm just wondering, are you purposely using a pseudonym to make it look as though the main character wrote the book himself, or are you naming the character after yourself? If it's the latter, be extremely cautious of Mary Sue-ism. Delilah Roze listed several helpful Mary Sue tests and resources in her post here.

A few of your sentences could use a little rewording to make them less awkward:
"My hair is a military cut and is brown," might flow better as "My brown hair is cut military-style."
"Vanessa & Cotey was also there," should actually be "Vanessa and Cotey were also there."
"The only ones who can save this planet is us," bad grammar here. Flip it around: "We're the only ones who can save this planet."
"None of us are willing to do the least possible to complete something" - I can't quite get your meaning here. Are you trying to say "We're all willing to do whatever it takes to finish a task"?

Overall, this intro is really good. It makes me wanna read more!!!! Good job. I can't wait to see more!

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Re: Intro to new Book, Darkovia Chronicles

Post by Delilah Roze on Fri Oct 15, 2010 9:08 pm

Another thing I'd add -and this is just my opinion- is that it seems a bit awkward to describe the characters so much in the prologue. Some people like that, but I think it flows better if you describe maybe one part of them at a time, adding on as the story goes on. You could have the full picture of them by the end of the first chapter if you made it like, "Her piercing grey eyes seemed to penetrate my soul, and a loose strand of her brown hair whipped in the wind as we talked..." or something like that. Again, this is purely my own opinion, and I'm not trying to discourage you from writing the way you like to write. Just something to think about, maybe. Smile

I'm looking forward to the next chapter! This looks like a really cool story, and I cant wait to read more of it. Post more soon!
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Re: Intro to new Book, Darkovia Chronicles

Post by Moshda on Sun Oct 17, 2010 10:24 pm

Oh, yes, I second DR's advice. It makes you want to keep reading so you find out more about the characters as you go along. Wink

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Re: Intro to new Book, Darkovia Chronicles

Post by hunter_jumper16 on Fri Oct 29, 2010 7:10 pm

I think that in the first sentence "I sat there at the edge of the window looking out a window." is pretty choppy. Perhaps you should put "I sat there at the edge of the window, looking out." because by adding "a window" you are simply repeating yourself. and for the all caps at the bottom i wouldn't put and exlamation point or all caps i would just leave it with out those extra things just to lead the audience on to continue to read. You don't want to come out too strong. and wait to describe your charecters. i would jsut give names and perhaps a clique they belong with. that would make it more interesting. especiallly if you had each person in a different clique
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