Battle of Normandy Beach

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Battle of Normandy Beach

Post by Zach S on Mon Sep 06, 2010 11:51 pm

Battle of Normandy Beach
I sat on the boat looking toward the dark, looming hills of Normandy Beach with a cold sweat running down my back. I knew I was going to die here, that this was going to be my final resting place, but that didn’t stop me. I wanted to try and help stop the Axis nations, whether I was one soldier or not I wanted to do something great to help the war.
I am John Truce. I’m a PFC and I came from Georgia. I thought about all my friends back home. Then, I thought about Brianna. She was my Fiancé, and we were about to get married but I was called into war just before wedding day. Now I sit on the small transport boat waiting to hit land. I didn’t know how many Krauts would be there. We were one of the first boats going in.
My heart stopped the second we hit land and I jumped out of the boat and grabbed my M1 Grande and a Thompson and started up the beach. The second I found a trench the fire reigned down. I was completely unprepared and bullets started coming from the hills and we saw that they weren’t just hills. They were bunkers! I dived into the ditch and held my M1 Grande steady, but I couldn’t shoot without bullets going to a side of me or in front of me.
I saw a friend of mine, Nicholas, waving for me to come over to his trench. I waited for the bullets to stop for just a split second and dived into the other trench. Nicholas had already been shot in the leg. I looked around and couldn’t see any medical officers except for the dead one to the right. That’s when I noticed he had a supply kit that would probably have bandages or something to stop the bleeding.
I couldn’t hear what Nicholas had said because of the bullet fire and mortars dropping like meteors, but I tried to tell him hang on. I ran out towards the supply kit. A bullet grazed my shoulder, but I ignored it the best I could and grabbed the supply kit and ran back to the trench.
I looked at Nicholas trying to get his attention, but his eyes were locked forward as if someone glued them that way. That’s when I noticed the blood falling from the back of his head. I tilted his head forward and saw the bullet hole in the back of his head. The blood was bright red in the early morning. I looked towards the bunkers. They were just barely visible now. I think I could at least shoot one of them down.
I picked up the Grande and aimed it right at where the lights of the bullets were coming from and shot. In that second the fire stopped from that bunker and I knew I had a chance. I looked back and saw a couple of men with Thompsons and waved for them to follow me. We should be able to make it to the bunkers without getting shot thanks to the one near us being taken out.
We started running right at the bunker. I finally got a count of five men following me. The bunker got a new gunner faster than I anticipated and at least two of them were shot down. The four of us made it to the bunker. We didn’t have time to make a plan so we improvised. We went around to the back and opened the door. My Grande was out of ammo so I grabbed a Thompson from one of the dead. I looked ahead knowing a Kraut was going to come out at any moment, and I hate it when I’m right. With no where to gain cover four of them walked out and started firing.
I dove to the ground and started to shoot killing two of them and the only guy left alive after the surprise attack got the other two. We continued down the hallway with a growing shadow looming over us. I could feel death growing closer with every footstep. I know most people say you are most scared during the fight, but they were sadly mistaken. It was just before the fight is where you were afraid the most. You know it’s going to happen and you can’t tell whether it’s the end or if it’s another beginning.
Now there was a steel door in front of us. We stared for a while, it may have been a second, a minute, or an hour, but it felt like a year. I opened the door only a crack and saw only five of them. I took off the pin of a grenade and tossed it gently into the room and then ran as far away from the door as possible.
I heard the explosion and looked through the smoke. No one seemed to be alive in there. We walked in slowly and saw one last door and heard a series of bullets being fired. I didn’t have anymore grenades and apparently my friend didn’t have any either. I knew it was do or die here. It was going to decide life or death. I opened it quickly and sprayed bullets into the room. No one saw us coming. The other guy poured fire into the room and we had killed them all. I pulled out a colored smoke screen so the planes would know where to shoot.
I pulled the pin and threw it up top and it let out the smoke. Now we had to get out. We ran out the way we came. Going through the doors and through the maze of hallways and jumped out just in time. The planes came in and shot down the bunkers. I got up slowly and looked to the east and saw the sun rise. We did it, and I really helped.
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Re: Battle of Normandy Beach

Post by Moshda on Tue Sep 28, 2010 1:46 pm

Hi! I hope you don't mind if I make a few red marks! ^_^

Ok, one thing that seems to happen throughout the whole story is that you switch back and forth between tenses frequently. It's very difficult to determine if he's talking in past or present tense. So, decide and stick to it! However, if I may make a suggestion, I think the whole thing would flow better in present tense.

Zach S wrote:
I sat on the boat looking toward the dark, looming hills of Normandy Beach with a cold sweat running (should be "ran" if you're in past tense) down my back. I knew I was going to die here, that this was going to be my final resting place, but that didn’t stop me. I wanted to try and help stop the Axis nations. Whether I was one soldier or not, I wanted to do something great to help the war.

I am John Truce. I’m a PFC (What is a PFC? Keep in mind that your readers may not know the meanings of the acronyms you use.) and I came from Georgia. I thought about all my friends back home. Then, I thought about Brianna. She was my Fiancé (should be fiancée - a woman's betrothed is a fiancé, if you're talking about the person a man is going to marry, you add another e at the end.) and we were about to get married but I was called into war just before wedding day. Now I sit on the small transport boat waiting to hit land. I didn’t know how many Krauts would be there. We were one of the first boats going in.

My heart stopped the second we hit land and I jumped out of the boat and grabbed my M1 Grande and a Thompson and started up the beach. The second I found a trench the fire reigned down. I was completely unprepared and bullets started coming from the hills and we saw that they weren’t just hills. They were bunkers! I dived into the ditch and held my M1 Grande steady, but I couldn’t shoot without bullets going to a side of me or in front of me. (Why couldn't John shoot? Military guns are usually designed to throw the empty cartridges to the right of and behind the shooter.)

I saw a friend of mine, Nicholas, waving for me to come over to his trench. I waited for the bullets to stop for just a split second and dived into the other trench. Nicholas had already been shot in the leg. I looked around and couldn’t see any medical officers except for the dead one to the right. That’s when I noticed he had a supply kit that would probably have bandages or something to stop the bleeding.
I couldn’t hear what Nicholas had said because of the bullet fire and mortars dropping like meteors, but I tried to tell him hang on. I ran out towards the supply kit. A bullet grazed my shoulder, but I ignored it the best I could and grabbed the supply kit and ran back to the trench.
I looked at Nicholas trying to get his attention, but his eyes were locked forward as if someone glued them that way. That’s when I noticed the blood falling from the back of his head. I tilted his head forward and saw the bullet hole in the back of his head. The blood was bright red in the early morning. (Why isn't John sad that his friend just died? You can show that he's saddened by his friend's death, but he knows that he must go on.) I looked towards the bunkers. They were just barely visible now. (Why were the bunkers barely visible if the sun is rising?) I think I could at least shoot one of them down. I picked up the Grande and aimed it right at where the lights of the bullets were coming from and shot. In that second the fire stopped from that bunker and I knew I had a chance. I looked back and saw a couple of men with Thompsons and waved for them to follow me. We should be able to make it to the bunkers without getting shot thanks to the one near us being taken out.

We started running right at the bunker. I finally got a count of five men following me. The bunker got a new gunner faster than I anticipated and at least two of them were shot down. The four of us made it to the bunker. (Just say "two got shot down". If you say "at least two" you imply that more were shot down but John didn't pause to count, which you contradict by saying "the four of us" which means that only two were in fact killed.) We didn’t have time to make a plan so we improvised. We went around to the back and opened the door. My Grande was out of ammo so I grabbed a Thompson from one of the dead. I looked ahead knowing a Kraut was going to come out at any moment, and I hate it when I’m right. With no where to gain cover four of them walked out and started firing. (Wait, I got kind of confused right after the part where he opens the door. Why would he open the bunker door if he was unarmed? I think you should switch the order of the sentences around a bit. And in the last sentence, you aren't very specific, so it's hard to grasp your meaning. Do you mean "Four of them came out and started firing at us, and we had no cover.)

I dove to the ground and started to shoot killing two of them and the only guy left alive after the surprise attack got the other two. (Why dive to the ground if the guy shooting at you is right in front of you? Being on the ground, exposed, offers no protection, and just makes it harder to dodge the enemy. I think you should change "the only guy left after the surprise attack got the other two" to "The only one of my men who survived the Kraut's surprise attack killed the other two".) We continued down the hallway with a growing shadow looming over us. I could feel death growing closer with every footstep. I know most people say you are most scared during the fight, but they were (are) sadly mistaken. It was (is) just before the fight where you were (are) afraid the most. You know it’s going to happen (what's going to happen? the fight?) and you can’t tell whether it’s the end or if it’s another beginning.

Now there was a steel door in front of us. We stared for a while. It may have been a second, a minute, or an hour, but it felt like a year. I opened the door only a crack and saw only five of them (I assume you mean Krauts. It's a good idea to call them by what they are, instead of saying "them" all the time). I took off the pin of a grenade and tossed it gently into the room and then ran as far away from the door as possible. I heard the explosion and looked through the smoke. No one seemed to be alive in there. We walked in slowly and saw one last door and heard a series of bullets being fired. I didn’t have anymore grenades and apparently my friend didn’t have any either. I knew it was do or die here. It was going to decide life or death. I opened it (the door) quickly and sprayed bullets into the room. No one saw us coming. The other guy (my companion) poured fire into the room and we had killed them all. I pulled out a colored smoke screen so the planes would know where to shoot.

I pulled the pin and threw it up top (First of all, change "up top" to "the roof" or something, and secondly, why would you want planes to fire at a bunker in which everybody was already dead?) and it let out the smoke. Now we had to get out. We ran out the way we came. (how did John throw the smoke screen onto the roof if he was still inside? You might want to do some sentence reordering.) Going through the doors and through the maze of hallways and jumped out just in time. The planes came in and shot down the bunkers. I got up slowly and looked to the east and saw the sun rise. We did it, (perhaps "we succeeded" would be more dramatic.) and I really helped.

I'm sorry if I seem nit-picky, but I had to be because the whole thing is really good and I wanted to offer you some critique! I enjoyed it and I love how you keep it brisk. Sometimes in fight scenes, people can get so overly descriptive that it bogs the story down, but I like that you managed to keep everything in "real time".

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Re: Battle of Normandy Beach

Post by Zach S on Wed Oct 06, 2010 10:46 am

oh its fine, im used to using pronouns all the time

I pulled the pin and threw it up top (First of all, change "up top" to "the roof" or something, and secondly, why would you want planes to fire at a bunker in which everybody was already dead?)

that was a MAJOR typo on my end, it was supposed to be
(I threw it on top of the other bunker)

At nromandy beach there were three bunkers all lined with machine guns. And at the part where he cant shoot from the bullets its not his bullets, its the enemy fire. and in the hall he ran out of ammo for his M1 Grande so he picked up a Thompson Machine gun with ammo
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Re: Battle of Normandy Beach

Post by Moshda on Thu Oct 07, 2010 5:04 pm

Zach S wrote:"I pulled the pin and threw it up top"
that was a MAJOR typo on my end, it was supposed to be
(I threw it on top of the other bunker)

At Normandy beach there were three bunkers all lined with machine guns. And at the part where he cant shoot from the bullets its not his bullets, its the enemy fire. and in the hall he ran out of ammo for his M1 Grande so he picked up a Thompson Machine gun with ammo.

If you want to, you can edit a post by clicking the "edit" button at the upper right corner of your post.

And don't tell me that, write it into your story! Show it! Wink Great job, Zach! I look forward to reading more from you!

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