Unnamed sci-fi story.

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Unnamed sci-fi story.

Post by The Archivist. on Wed Jul 28, 2010 1:37 pm

OK, I have no idea where this is going, but enjoy.
He awoke with a start. He didn't know where he was, or who he was. He was in a confined, body chamber with a little window at head level looking out into pitch blackness. He tore tubes from his mouth; waters spilled onto the floor of his pod and an emergency light went on. There was a pneumatic hiss and the chamber door opened, letting in cool air. He unstrapped himself and stumbled into the darkness, he looked around; other pods like his own lined the walls, peering inside he saw no one inside. Some where covered in blood. As he felt along the walls, he accidently smacked a switch. Electric lights, dim at first, came to life, lighting the previously dark passageway. Stumbling down the dark metal passage, he noticed drawers along the wall. He wrenched one labeled "Argon, Jason" open and dumped out its contents onto the metal grating floor. There was a black jumpsuit, an under shirt, boots, a handlight, a med-kit, and a taser-like weapon. Jason put on the underclothes and jumpsuit over his briefs, tied the boots on, and put the other items on his belt. Putting on the the handlight, he walked dow the dim, menacing metal passageways; going no where in particular. Jason wondered where he was; vague memories of a massive vessel swirled in his head, but what kind of vessel? He was pondering this as he came into an observation deck. He turned toward the floor-to-ceiling window.
His jaw dropped.
Splayed out before him was a gas nebula, all swirls and stars, blanketing visible space with it's speckled majesty. The bay window was cool against Jason's skin as he pressed against it; eyes taking in the beautiful scene before him. He noticed a star, a giant yellow sphere, drawing noticibly closer. Planets swirled around the sun, five or six of them. He stepped back, memories shifting through his head; there was a soft tink of metal behind him. Jason turned, hand on taser. Something was moving in the deep shadows at the back of the deck.


Last edited by The Archivist. on Tue Aug 24, 2010 10:17 pm; edited 4 times in total
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Re: Unnamed sci-fi story.

Post by Moshda on Wed Aug 18, 2010 11:12 am

Wow, this is very good, very descriptive! At first, it kind of reminds me a little bit of the beginning of "Avatar" but then it takes a different turn. The end was a definite cliff-hanger!!!

One thing: you might want to divide this up into paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on one train of thought or idea. You could probably divide up that one chunk of writing into two or three small paragraphs.

The sentence "He wrenched one labeled "Argon, Jason" open and dumped out it's contents onto the metal grating" is a little awkward-sounding to me. Maybe you could reword it just a little to something like: "He wrenched open the one labeled 'Argon, Jason' and dumped its contents onto the metal grating of the floor." (I'm assuming the floor is made of metal grating.) I changed "it's" to "its" because that is how it should be written. "Its" indicates possession. "It's" is a contraction which means "it is". I know, kinda confusing, but important nonetheless.

In "He turned toward the wall-to-ceiling window" I think you really meant "floor-to-ceiling window". Wink

"He noticed a star, a giant yellow thing"--this sentence might sound more dramatic and better help your readers to visualize what you're writing about if you change "thing" to something like "orb" or another descriptive word.

"Something was moving in the back shadows of the deck", did you mean "the black shadows" or did you mean "the shadows at the far end of the deck"?

I know I'm being nit-picky, but that's only because there's no major mistakes--grammatical or otherwise-- and I wanted to give you some meaningful critique. Overall, it's a great bit of writing, and you'd better post more soon or I'm going to go CRAZY wondering what it is that Jason Argon heard!!!! >.<

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Re: Unnamed sci-fi story.

Post by The Archivist. on Tue Aug 24, 2010 6:15 pm

Thanks for your corrections. It's always good to have someone nit-picky and find the little mistakes!
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